MOMMY TEMPER TANTRUMS: A GUILTY PLEASURE PART II Aka: How To Break A Metal Spoon In 5 Easy Steps

MOMMY TEMPER TANTRUMS:  A GUILTY PLEASURE PART II

Aka: How To Break A Metal Spoon In 5 Easy Steps

(Disclaimer: This How-To List may or may not be loosely based on actual events!)

1. Buy cheap metal.  Dollar Tree stuff doesn’t count.  It is made to break upon first use and is therefore not useful for the purposes described below. And for the record - bending the spoon just won’t be satisfactory.
2. Position yourself within earshot of a young child that is screaming, flailing and pitching a fit for the 100^th time in one day because s/he can’t have what s/he wants.  Know from past experience that reason and logic are useless and that the child has no “OFF” button.
3. Grab the spoon that you are cooking with and begin banging it on the arm of a cushy chair while shouting at the top of your lungs in an overtly dramatic manner, “I can’t take this anymore!” Repeat as necessary, following each proclamation with repeated banging motions on the arm of the chair to the tempo of your wails.
4. Place the opposing forearm on your forehead and cry out in misery, “What am I supposed to do?  Somebody?  Anybody? God?  Help me!  I’m only human and this is making me CRAZY! I’ve reached my breaking point!" If you are lucky, the dramatic scene will be enough to distract your child and cause a momentary reprieve from the child’s tantrum. If you are even luckier, the spoon will snap in two at precisely this moment, much to the astonishment of said kid (and mom), causing him or her to stop screaming and ponder how mom just broke a thick metal spoon on a cushy chair.
5. Go out and buy a new spoon.  Then have a mega-sized ice-cold Diet Dr. Pepper, or your drink of choice. 

Postscript:  Expect your children to tell this story to their friends and their friend’s parents, not in fear, but in utter amazement at the brute strength of their mother.  Prepare to explain without having your kids removed by the state authorities.  Under no circumstances are you to consider the irony of pitching a temper tantrum to stop a temper tantrum.  It is pointless.