Life has a funny sense of humor. Today, while searching for something I had written earlier about mothering foster children, I ran across this letter. It was written by Heather, our first adopted daughter, who died in a car accident a little over two years ago. Her words reminded me of the struggles we had in our relationship, but also the importance and value of sticking around through all the challenging times when what I really wanted to do was run away and hide from the difficulties. I would gladly trade all those hard times for a little more time with her.
May
6, 2009
She’s the mom of way too many, the greatest
debate coach in the region, and the best person I know. I could say no words
that would truly explain what I think of you.
I don’t think I noticed how much
you meant to me until I found myself begging God that you wouldn’t give up on
me. I know that our relationship still isn’t perfected but I trust that God has
it in His hands.
Mother’s Day is such a hard day for me, because I feel like
I’ve never been the daughter to you that you’ve always wanted. I guess…I guess
I get a taste of how you feel only just one day a yr. Because I know I always make you feel like you’re
not the mom I want….
Can I take it all back? Can I please just erase anything
I’ve ever said to hurt you or tear you down?
My life…has been a mess but now that I’m
finally turning it around I hate that I’ve caused you any trouble. All the late
night conversations and dealing with my teenage yrs…
Not only do I not know how
you do it,but I don’t understand why you still do!
But that mom, that’s what
I’m sooo greatful for. I wish that I could express that to you every day....
I
wish for a lot of things though… I wish that you had more time alone with
yourself…so you can think and get organized.
I wish that I wasn’t so self
absorbed and was actually more of a help then a pain…
But those are just the
many things you realize as you grow up. I’m sixteen yrs old. Young and beginning on my journey
to face the world alone….it’s kinda freak.
What am I gunna do without you?
You’ve emotionally guided my every step for so long and created the foundation
I lacked - it’s overwhelming to think I’m gunna have to do it all by myself one
day.
Those are the days I’ll be thankful for you the most. God didn’t give me a
mom who did everything for me on purpose. He gave me you. Which is sooo much
better.
As much time as I spend questioning God, I think he laughs under his
breath…He’s just got it all worked out.
He gave you to me to teach you patience,
I’m sure. I think I’ve presented you a completely different aspect of life.
I still
remember the first night I met you in Missouri (she was 6-years old an in an adoptive home that didn't want to keep her). You didn’t phase me a bit. I
thought you’d be gone in no time. I played that game way too many times, I knew
how to win.
But life has proven me wrong. I can’t win everything and I can’t do
it all by myself.
This is just a letter I’m writing you that will get read a
couple times and put under a stack of books or something…but I just want you to
know…you mean the world to me mom. I’m way lucky to have you, even if I
wouldn’t have picked you out for myself. I pray that our relationship will heal
over the years and that one day I’ll be able to understand how much you love
me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.
There’s
lyrics are all over the page of songs that say things that make me think of you.
But here’s one of my favorite songs that I have dedicated to you. Every word
of this song is to you.
How Have We Come This Far by Wavorly
In the
beginning when all this was something new
I was
younger
They say
when you’re older you have it figured out
Did I take
it for granted?
How do you
see right through my faults?
Turning
around was never so hard
Until I
found us far apart
Turning it
over I’m left to wonder
How have we
come this far?
Hands that
are reaching
To a world
that’s turned away from you
Truth that
is sobering
Your love
will never cease finding the lost ones
Letting go
of all my pain
Falling down
is oh, so hard
I am torn, I
am bruised
Finding
grace in every scar
I am whole,
I am new
I love you,
Heather
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